=HapPy-AlL-ThE-BeSt=+MiblOg+=)

2012-01-30T04:39:00.000-08:00

Doing mask now and have nothing to do so here I an blogging.

21 years old is definitely not a good one. I mean, unhappy incidents occurred. Though some did made me grow, I definitely do not wish to learn from these kind of events. Been so exhausted from everything and screwed up my lifestyle, 2011 is like a disaster to me and totally suck me dry. I cant even list out the events one by one because my brain is so useless it couldn't even register the things that happened. I can practically forget what just happened minutes ago and all I can remember is I really and always wish to have a good sleep every minute. On a lighter note, Kenji is the only good thing that happened.

Though my timetable this semester is much better, the content is heavier. Expect us to memorise 200+ pages of content in less than 4 weeks? I have never encoutered a case where exam tests on content just taught the day before. Total madness. I think my brain is failing, seriously. I really don't know how to do this. I have the heart, I stop wasting time doing all the useless stuffs but I don't have the memory power to stuff all those in. :( And I'm really starting to question myself if this is really what I wish to do. I tried my best, and when I did and I still don't do amazingly well, I don't understand why I have to struggle just to be average. Is this really my cup of tea? I'm really lost.

I don't know whether it's coincidental or what. At 16, 18 and 21 years old, the more meaningful numbers, there are bound to be some drastic change and increase in the amount of things that happened to make me reflect more. I don't ask for much, I don't mind being tired working, as long as work time doesnt cross my personal time, which is why I love service jobs so much. When I'm off work, I can whole heartedly rest and do my own things. Even if I allow myself the time to play (which time never allows me), I can't entirely stop worrying about the pile of work, with non stop exams. Passion is really not enough to pull you through.

Apart from studies, I've started to think about my relationship. I can count what's holding me back but I don't even want to think about what's making me waver. I was reading John Gray's Men are from Mars Women are from Venus. It's a great book though I've only finished a few chapters. But I stopped reading because I find it pretty meaningless if I understand the man but he doesnt make any effort. It's so pointless. The more I read the more I feel despondent because you know these small problems can be solved, the only problem is someone not willing to try. It's even more scary when he compares who gives in more. At least I feel it's scary that you have a thought that you contributed more and so that makes me the inferior party.
I do not need someone to be there when more serious incidents happen, because when it does, I'll be stronger and I will handle it myself. Or I should put it this way. I need someone to support me in my daily life much much more than someone to depend on when serious things happen. I don't need you to do any very purposeful actions I just need someone to lie on, someone to share things with, someone to speak softly to me, someone to be with and I don't have to be alert lest I offend anyone, someone whom I can be totally relaxed with, someone to let me be demanding. Ok, maybe this is too much for any guy. I'm tired thinking about this everyday, and the more I tried not to think, the more tired I get day by day. I'm scared I can't hold much longer. You kept everything in your heart, your actions say otherwise or even worst, I know in your heart you care, but I don't live in your heart, I live in your life, your physical form. I can't reach your heart if you keep pushing me away with your actions. I can't hang on long, I will get tired. Holding on to love is like holding on to a faith. Intangible yet strong. But Lord shows me He's there.

I think I'm just not that matured enough to prepare myself to start a family on my own. I don't want to have restrictions so early. I don't wish to finally be freed from my studies and then start to worry about family matters and relations. I think I just wish to be young for a few more years.

These things just make me wonder that perhaps I should have just accepted a relationship when I was younger. At least I have time to learn and make mistakes, then perhaps at this age I would have a better idea how to decide.

2012-01-05T07:30:00.000-08:00

Finally got to meet twin again ! Went for my gong cha ! Woohoo then headed to do one of our worst facials. Never going back there again ! Then the rest of our meetup is spent practically in my car haha oops. Love the presents from her <3 Guess I'll miss her much when she's in aussie sigh.

Cant believe school's starting next week. Sucks ! Dont feel very well-rested though. Internship starting and hopefully 3 modules are not going to kill us like the last semester. *Cross fingers*

When do I always feel that I want to do a lot of things during exam period and just before school starting but feel so free during the midst of holidays. My 5 weeks just past in a blink of an eye I dont even know how I spent it. But a good thing is going to school forces me to have a regular lifestyle.

Supposed to blog about a lot of stuffs but as usual I forgot what I want to write.

2012-01-03T02:01:00.000-08:00

Something happy in life: loving gongcha and peanut butter choco ! Simple joys in life.

Back from batam about a week ago and I'm happy ! Only took 2 photos because I dont have a camera. A very simple trip, we didnt do much though but at least we relaxed and ate good food !
Will plan the next trip better elsewhere :/

Mitchy's back to the family. I guess subconsciously I really wish to have her back so the moment I receive the message from the adopter I was overjoyed. Actually I kind of expected they will give her up when I visited her. But after much thought and trials, I still have to give her up eventually, no matter how hard I try to hold. Suddenly I wish I have a job and money to live my own and bring my dogs with me, I guess it'll be better for them. In a way, I'm selfish. I remember I used to give in in many ways but I realise now when I have more, it's not only about myself being compromised but everything that are with me, and I cant tolerate that. I have to be selfish to protect what's mine. But I'm at my wits end, feel so helpless I cant do anything.

I'm happy this Christmas and New Year, but so many things happened in 2011 I hope the tide will be gone in the new year. Life took me to make these decisions, I really wish I'll never be in this kind of situation again, though I know it's impossible.

2011-12-22T06:50:00.000-08:00

Im at a lost of what to do. It's a hard decision to make. Sigh.

Anyway, things are taking a toll on both of us so we're just gna get away from all these for a day. Off to Batam ! Though ferry hasnt been confirmed yet, hopefully nothing goes wrong :< Wells, no matter whether there's anything to do there, staying in a hotel overseas is enough for a getaway. Cant wait for all these to be over. Why is life getting harder and harder.

2011-12-13T05:13:00.000-08:00

although it's a small dream, it's motivating and makes my life meaningful. it's been long since i last felt a purpose living everyday. but the problem is, i havent really take a step towards my goal. oops. still, at least i know what to work for.

Drove around a lot today. Tired. mitchy's getting cuter each day ! she's most lovable when she's sleeping.

My holidays are wasting away, so sad. i felt like i havent had a good rest since exams end. i'm not looking forward to anything fun this holiday, i just want a good long rest ! sleepover tomorrow, zoo next week, christmas party and best is kenji's birthday this sat ! and mahjong almost everyday.

it's been a long long time since i slept well, and i didnt wake up last night ! it feels great, esp with mitchy not barking.

ok this is a random post.

2011-12-08T01:08:00.000-08:00

I'm finally blogging again ! It's been long since I last wrote because stupid IE refused to post my previous written piece and got me angst. Lol

Finally, another semester is over; finally, some rest for me, for all the BMS peeps. yays which explains why I have the time and mood to blog again. And coincidentally, twin has started blogging again too ! I hope she'll update more often because I guess this is the only way we can still stay in contact.

I remember I stopped blogging when I just got attached and life's getting better in all areas, be it in relationships, studies or finance. So basically, I really blog when I'm feeling down. True enough, the only time when I can be completely truthful is when I'm blogging. I have nothing to say to my parents because they dont understand me. I cant let anyone including my friends to see the weak side of me because I want to be their strong pillars and I want them to see me as a cheerful and happy friend. Even to the one closest to me, I came to realise I cant say much because everything will just end up sour. Slowly, I just grew accustomed to keeping everything to myself. It's beneficial in a way it makes me stronger. I used to be a crybaby, now I can really hold my tears !

Been feeling lost for months, with no direction to where I'm going, no idea what I really want. I think it is probably because I'm afraid to make another decision that will make me regret so I really dont know which way to go. I'm just struggling to hang on to the present. The heavy workload and many other matters took up so much of my time that I realise I havent had time for myself for so long. And I guess this vacation, it's time to stop on my footsteps and think about what I really need and want in life.

But the meanwhile, let me catch up with all the friends and fun I've missed because of the stupid tcm mods. Cant wait !

On the lighter note, my puppy is getting on fine but i really dont want to be the one to give her up. If things continue this way, Im scared i dont have a choice because I cant cope alone, no one wants to be responsible for her, which really awakens me to some things, and made me think over the kind of person I'm with.

2011-08-17T06:29:00.001-07:00

bleah. life sucks totally. turning 21 next week and i realise im growing more and more empty. like.. where's my maturity? totally not myself now. very bad temper, very bad attitude, very bad mindsets, very bad habits... i seem to have insufficient sleep for dunno how long alrdy and i've given up giving a damn abt going and paying attention to lectures. fml xmwang cant wake up.

terrible. feel like im slowly engulfed by some infections and im losing control of everything about myself. it's not the point abt being contented with what i have now. it's the feeling of not being able to integrate into my own life. WHAT? i know i have ppl who really loves and dotes on me, i have a goal in life, i have everything in life to be more than satisfied or contented but it feels like im watching myself from afar the good things and i cant step into my own life. and slowly i become frustrated trying to piece the separation tgt while another force is pulling me out. now im just a tired soul trying my best to act normal but deep down im so tired from the fight. i know my solution but i dont place it in the first place and i can only blame myself for all these. hang on xm. you are an adult now. be strong.

on a lighter note, im getting used to having kenji in my life. so adorable only. haha but pisses me off sometimes too. well, he's cute :)

my timetable sucks ttm but i've got forensics ! yays just hold on for this year and i'll have 2 less mods to take in yr 3!

although i always said i dread my 21st bday, but there's still a little part of me anticipating a little elebration or surprise because well, it's only once in a lifetime. but ah i guess it'll just be more plain than ever. im just a so not lovable person. but, my dearests companies is more than enough :)

2011-08-02T01:38:00.000-07:00

i can never possibly have the best of both worlds. and i've been asking myself all the while whether it's worth it to give up one for the other. at least i have a more definite answer now. the happiness and the security i get from baby and his family can never been replaced by anything else. frens... who can treat you like their family. how many can i have?

i've always been sure of what i wan, but i find myself stuck for quite some time now. and i dunno what i want. no sense of direction. i just feel like escaping all this and let me settle my mind and heart down, without worrying abt anyone being unhappy, dissatisfied, questionable. it's weird. ok mayb it's not. i just feel lost. dunno where im going. fruck this feeling. feel lika useless bum

2011-06-11T21:28:00.000-07:00

back from GIP. great trip. fun times. and i'll definitely miss them.

perhaps i was in my home country, feel especially close and comfortable.

miss the peeps and the things that we do tgt.

2months plus seems long but im left with only 6 more weeks of hols :(

feels weird coming back here. feel so detached... from frens, from things around me. like i've missed out a lot, and we drifted and they grew more bonded. so there's a strong yearning in me to go back and continue the exploration and travelling.

it feels meaningful while i enrich myself in the country's rich culture.. and suddely i feel meaningless and useless to continue my studies. i never wish to be rich, but for once, i wish i could have the financial abilities to travel around.

i guess i need some time to adapt to singapore again. and i terribly hate this feeling. like you're stuck alone somewhere and everyone's moving on. as if u are just a part of their forgotten memories.

2011-05-20T20:01:00.000-07:00

ok. so that's another incident that made me learn, that also ended my struggle and question marks. in fact, we can actually put down the things that were once unspoken. kinda a relieve for both of us.
i finally understand how much you cherish me, and how much i didnt. how much u contributed which i could never compare with. how much you love me which i didnt have confidence in. i hope after talking it out i can stop having so much inconfidence and start cherishing.
just how selfish i realise i was. and so much feelings that're impossible to put down in words.
hopefully i wont be so stupid anymore.

2011-04-18T05:14:00.001-07:00

i dont know since when i've started to be able to rely and keep more things to myself. i used to tell twin so much detail and stuffs that affect me. well that was years ago. but twin is still someone whom i can rely on, cos we're still the same despite not meeting very frequently. and i hope this relationship will last. this stupid blogskin doesnt allow me to leave lines and it publishes my post as one whole chunk of words ._. ok whatever. anyways i dont know proudly miraculously how i managed to survive this one whole week. but i can be sure the clique in sch helped much. without them, i dont think i can survive the day. the laughters sorta give me comfort during the day. at least im not alone. i guess when u dont have a choice there's nth much you can do. perhaps when the pain has imprinted itself as a scar, it wont hurt as frequent as a fresh wound. it's just occassional and less intense discomfort. is this called numb? i received your call today. but.. i dunno why i dont feel happy at all. in fact i feel a little worst. perhaps i really shldnt have expected anything. perhaps i shld've prepared myself for the worst. i think i deserve this disappointment. i have this awful feeling in me. i know this analogy sucks but it's the same as you dont shit when you are suppose to and you get constipation. i held my tears back so hard that it cant efficiently release itself when it's supposed to. i dont like it. i prefer the feeling of crying hard. it makes you sad, more sad and it reminds you of how painful it is, and makes it worst. the most impt point is, it wakes me up to reality.

2011-04-16T10:05:00.000-07:00

miss you so much, till i dont feel it anymore. like.. an intrinsic feeling that has found its roots in every part of me. and i feel terrible when i trigger it, although i tried my best to keep myself busy all the time. im so happy and contented after finishing my exam and lab reports this week. it's so worth celebrating and i wish you were here, because all the while i worked so hard so that i can have quality time with you. but all these seems... argh i dont know. im getting mad. crazy. losing my mind. frucked up.

2011-04-13T03:34:00.000-07:00

yup im writing a post again. which means i really really need to relieve something. im kinda proud for being able to hold my tears back for so long. i only allowed myself to let off ONCE. and i've told myself NO. you cant cry anymore. i've grown up, havent i? :) is it something worth celebrating? woohoo shld i pop champagne ?! i think im going crazy. despite my tolerance, im not at all happy. this feeling sucks. everything's cramping up inside. sometimes i feel like a balloon filling up and gna burst anytime. sometimes i really wna give up. just cry. what's wrong with it right. but i think i shldnt be such a crybaby anymore. i can be indifferent to anything, but one. and this one affects me fatally. be strong. BE STRONG! who can i turn to. who can i rely on. i hate it when i've tried everything and nth works !!! i hate it when there's nth i can do. i hate to WAIT. i hate the uneasiness. i hate the tears. i hate the useless feeling. i hate the wrong timing. sometimes i laugh so hard in sch the moment i stop i feel like crying. i try to feel happy but night is the longest. i hope i can pop a bottle of pills and sleep for 2 weeks without it endangering my life. arghhhhhhhhhh im gna collapse soon :'( and there's nth i can do. i shall just cry on my blog :'(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( freak. seeing this emoticon makes me wna cry. FRUCK UP

2011-04-02T06:05:00.000-07:00

the day we escaped the grasp of death. it all happened in a split second and hit us unexpected and unprepared. we were so lucky to have escaped unscathed, yet im still not satisfied. i know i shld because none of us was injured, and i tried my best to force down my emotions and not break down. but sometimes it really hurts, it lingers in my mind and i think of it. it's a weird feeling, it's sour and intangible pain that sucks away all the energy. now my beloved seems to be awaiting its judgement, and the wait is long and tedious, worst when my baby is leaving and there's no one i can depend. i can only cross my fingers and pray for the best outcome. let it stay, let things go the better way. it's only april now and i feel as if 2012 is nearing. so many things happened. i tot i would stop being busy for a while but one thing has yet ended and another pops up. when will it stop. i had a dream last night. the dream is normal but it's weird that i have it at this time. kinda ostracize the feeling when i woke up.

2011-03-27T19:49:00.000-07:00

so many stuffs we have to tahan. how many hurdles do we have to cross. freaking 3 weeks i really dunno how to tahan. it'll be so different

2011-03-15T02:11:00.000-07:00

you said it's useless now to think abt our happy moments when we quarrel because you have forgotten the feeling when we just got together.
you scolded me so furiously i really couldnt recognise you at all
it's different now; even our quarrels. in the past, to me, you were just angry and unhappy. now, i seem like some useless bitch, thick skinned enough to call you back dozen times to ask for ur scoldings.
last night i took so much courage to ask you if you still like me. it's not because i doubt it or because i need assurance from you. i just dont know how someone could bear to use those words on someone who's so dear to them.
i really hate to face this fact i hate this thought lingering in my mind; it's the first time, that you make me feel im just like a non-living. i know you cared for me, but you dont realise that what you really gave are mostly materialistic, tangible things, which i rather forgo all, just for a little of ur concern for my feelings and thoughts. i hate you scolding me selfish, when you dont see it in urself. arent you being selfish when you scold me selfish?
it's painful. ur words are deeply imprinted in my mind.
perhaps we need some revelation in our relationship. i hate the need to keep persuading myself.

2011-03-08T08:26:00.000-08:00

今晚，我是个不开心的女孩，也更是一个想哭，却哭不出来的女孩。

我已经长大了，已远离那个只能用哭来解决事情的年纪了。但是现在反而感到更无助，想做却不知道能做些什么。不要跟我说只要把书读好，因为那是对将来的保障，而对于眼前的状况是不实际的。不要说我想太多，因为这是我应有而自负的责任感。
有谁不妄想能在26岁之前赚到人生第一个一百万？又有几个能如此成功？
人因梦想而伟大。我现在只有一个小小的愿望，就是希望我们家能平平顺顺的过着我们的小生活。但是人都是贪心的，从来不会满足于现状。而现实也是残酷的，它只会让我们的贪心滋生，像乌云一样遮掩了生命里的太阳，掩盖了我们的心，让我们的生活充满了竞争，使我们为了生存，为了追求物质享受，抹杀了人性美好的一面，便渐渐对生命失去热忱，减少了我们的生命力。久而久之，这个病态的世界便变得不寻常。
今天，你满足吗？你因为什么而真正感到快乐了吗？喜悦真的来自于你今天又赚到多少钞票吗？现在连钱都能买到快乐，快乐还有价值吗？
讽刺的是，钱虽然不是万能的，但没钱你万万也不能；钱也许买不到快乐，但没钱反而更不快乐。现实就是矛盾的，永远都不能达到一个平衡点。

2011-02-10T07:33:00.000-08:00

谢谢你让我的爱成熟
谢谢你让我在爱里成熟
终于知道所谓的经验是什么

爱到失去自我是对的吗
现在发现应该太迟了

现在想到自己当时的决定
有一丝的后悔,但太迟了

2011-01-11T22:29:00.000-08:00

at certain point of time we will receive revelations in life
for the past days i've been thinking about what happened these few weeks over and over again
particularly abt what he said
im so scared i thought it's hard to continue
wherever i was whenever i thought abt those words i felt like crying
but again your assurance gave me so much hope and strength

your words kept recurring in my mind. and yes i was blinded by...
i dunno. i always thought because of your change in attitude that made me temperamental but now i admit that it is me who's changed. i was different from the past. my attitude changed unknowingly. i yearn for reciprocal for what i've given and it shldnt be like this. and many other indescribable thinkings that made me more impatient than i was. and afterall my question is what's the point in arguing? i dont know why i argued.

i promise i'll try to control, i'll change back slowly; for you, for the hope and promise you've given me. i hope i wont disappoint anyone again.
yest i saw a girl sitting alone in a wheelchair. as i walked pass her i felt so blessed to be able to stand on both feet and move around freely. i have an able body, perfect families, gd frens and a loving boy. what more do i lack? the important lesson is to be satisfied and contented with what i have now. then i'll be much more happier.

2011-01-08T20:56:00.001-08:00

at some point of time we'll be forced to come face to face with certain situations which we hate to admit that it did happen.
i never in our relationship thought we would have this day. i dont understand this when i heard abt it from others. but now i do. yet i still dont.
love is deceiving. deceiving myself. i dont know why i still wont give up. dont know why i still give myself infinite chances. i guess im afraid. afraid of losing. afraid of enduring the lonely period before i get used to being alone again.
i never thought you would say those words. but you did. and more than i can handle. then i start to lie to myself that you meant it as a joke. but i guess i can never understand you deep enough to know when you're joking, or not. last time i do; because i have the confidence you gave me, the confidence you have in our relationship. but now im giving myself confidence. i have to persuade and talk through my heart. i have to colour the negative side dark enough to hide it. i dare not reveal myself to the other side of the story. because im afraid of losing you. that's final.
so i escape from reality. and what's reality? i have no idea exactly.
it's like being stucked in the middle of a deep hole. you cant see where you're going. you proceed cautiously every step you take. the worst is you can see the top from where you came from either. each day i live in fear, unknowing of which moment you'll break down and make some conclusions urself again. im unsure of when you're burst into anger again at my words and actions. and at the same time i have to control my own temper.
i tot i could laugh and take it as if nth has happened after that incident. but after yest, i doubt i can. for whatever i do, including that, i dont need you to feel indebted to me. all i wan is for you to show appreciation for what i did. since we got tgt, i dont feel it. only each time you say all ur concern for me is in ur heart. some tangible reciprocal you dont really show it, you show the opposite.
now i learn, you shldnt really ask or wish for any reciprocal for what you have given from the other person. or your attitude will change.
im not fit for this game of mind and heart. and i guess i will never go into another serious relationship if this wont work out

2010-12-20T04:36:00.000-08:00

probably facing the biggest decision in my life. and each will lead me to an entirely different path in life. i was so persistent, determined at first. but now im wavering. i dont know if i want to do it. im not sure what will happen if i dont do it. im afraid of the after effects of doing it. gosh. why now. WHY. if only it happened a year earlier. i'll have no hesitation. this is really like a... miracle ._.
i saw it today. man. i didnt waver cos i saw it lol im just hum ji abt the risks involved.
sucky marketing only left you. freaking exam. makes thing worst.

i feel so... myriad of feelings which i dont know how to describe.
im not sad not happy not confused neither clear minded. dunno. all i know is, im tired. i wna sleep

2010-12-16T07:04:00.000-08:00

sorry baby. it irritates myself as much as it irritates you.
i've lost myself. i cant find the old me anymore. i get irritated so easily. i get tired so easily. i cant keep my cool anymore. i argue so much. i care so much. i cant seem to be able to control myself anymore.
it's the worst time. when i dont even know who is this. i dont even know myself. hate this totally.
im feel nauseous for the past 2 days. sucks. puked my breakfast out today. but at the same time i have so many cravings ! damn. it sucks when you cant eat.
i hope things doesnt turn out the way we thought. im sure it wont ?

looking forward to a revival after exams. gosh. life sucks totally

2010-11-22T04:44:00.000-08:00

i miss baby :(
but im gna survive this yes !
and 2 more weeks to the end of sem 1
i cant wait for my first respite !

2010-11-06T23:46:00.000-07:00

i really don't know what's wrong with me. i don't understand why im feeling this way. perhaps im really just too used to being alone with you since we're tgt so im feeling kinda cocked up with all these thing coming. it's shitty. i think im going too overboard. but sorry i really can't control this. the thing i hate the most is happening to me now. im struggling. i wish for it to go away. i wish to face it with a normal attitude. but i really cant. i think im the one who's in a serious condition. so many hundreds and thousands of sorries i wna say to you, but come to think of it. what's the point? cos that feeling aint gna go away, not in near future. and i just get more and more uneasy thinking abt it. the more i forced myself not to think, im actually reminding myself of it. it's terrible. argh i feeling biting myself. im getting increasingly intolerable of myself.

2010-10-26T21:28:00.000-07:00

seriously, a week without you really sucks all my energy away.
i realise my energy can only sustain me for a week, and it charges everytime we're tgt.
which lasts me for another week and the cycle goes on and on.
i. cant. move. on. anymore
i feel like collapsing any moment, not literally.
i force myself to study. i rush here and there everyday, making myself busy. i know i cant stop. it'll be detrimental. im tired. so freaking tired. on and off i wish all these would end; let me sleep forever. but always, the only thing i dont wna let go is you. i can be with anyone, including my parents at an intangible level; anyone but you. my greed doesnt just want your heart, i wna be with you physically.

if i were to stand alongside myself and understand me totally, sometimes i'll think im really pathetic. well that's.. a part of myself which only i see

on the side note, im having indigestion now from crying cos i just ate my lunch. wtz .-.

2010-10-22T09:26:00.000-07:00

it's another weekend im alone. im freaking alone.
my mind was filled with "FUCK YOU"s for some time.
those ppl just left me speechless. vulgarities are the best descriptions i feel.
seriously, never did anyone make me so stucked up. i really dont understand why certain ppl develop their own reasonings for sth that is so meaningless.
i dont understand why im so angry when i've already expected this. i guess i still thought there is a ray of hope for sth unexpected. basket. believe one can actually get tired from anticipation?
im so tired anticipating sth, and fked ups always destroy everything. im tired waiting; tired being left with uncertainties and tired of persuading myself not to think abt it.

nevertheless i thank God for answering my prayer. i thank God for bringing a little sense of peace into my house. i just hope things will not get any worse.

2010-10-13T19:16:00.000-07:00

School is mundane, as usual. At least I'm picking up some lecture contents and all. Yea I should actually learn to listen during computer labs and stop surfing the Internet.
Been really tired these few days, but I was greatly inspired by a simple quote I saw on the way to LT. I mean who really notice and read the quotes that were put up on the stretch of short walls. I realised that there are some really meaningful quotes when I glanced through them. Things are really easier said than done. I seem to never get enough sleep recently but I was just as happy and hyper yesterday. Yesterday was a wonderful day. A load off my mind- french quiz; plus some other things that happen.
Recess week next week, thank God. But at the same time, it also means time for quiz. Sigh.
I slept alone in hall last night ! Which i really felt awesome :x More peaceful. But I've been bugged by zombies in my sleep for the past few nights. zzz now then i remember why I'm not getting good sleep. I'm having nightmares every night- after effects from watching the Resident Evil trilogy.

I think friends and jokers around me are the only perks I have in school. Lol I miss my fwens :(

2010-09-20T18:16:00.000-07:00

3 more days. I can't believe we survived this. I consider you my life. i did imagine how it would feel like to lose you when i was down, or when we nearly got to both of our limits, when i thought at any moment you would bring us to an end. but now i thought all these are silly, stupid and so unneccessary. i can't imagine and i don't need to imagine being all alone once again because i'll know it when it happens, if it ever does. if it doesn't, im just making myself more depressed now.
the chat with uncle led me to think and i don't know if i feel any fear. it's just, uneasy. people grow and mature, change their way of thinking, change their living style and habits. even with the same physical features, people change. long distance causes a loss of closeness if people mature and change. i don't want us to come back and feel, each is no longer the one who used to be. perhaps it's too early to worry abt this, but sometimes i can't help to think. and each time anyone mention this to me, i dont want to entertain this thought. mayb it's running away from it, the only thing i know is i don't want to face and accept it yet.

2010-09-17T09:04:00.000-07:00

my heart aches and i feel so helpless. i really dont wish to discover all these but i know im a grown up now and it's time to face these things. very intuitively im swallowing my tears now because i know it's not the time to be weak and cry. i know the best solution to all these is to study hard, perhaps the best way to contribute to this family is by creating no trouble and dutifully finish my studies. however, to me, all these are long term solutions; and a little, but incremental part of me wants to be adventurous and really give tangible contributions. quitting sch may sound serious, but that's what i feel like doing more and more. i don't need so much money, at least with a pay that does not put any financial stress on us; that i dont have to count how much i've spent each day; dont have to worry abt not able to make ends meet each month; like what im experiencing now.
i feel so helpless just now. what can i say? what can i do exactly ?! how can i live peacefully in hall under this condition?
be strong xm. it's time to grow up and be responsible.

2010-09-13T18:10:00.000-07:00

wanted to change my blogskin but gave up the idea. im too lazy.
School has started for almost a week now and fortunately I'm starting to get use to all these; at least I don't have to rush around the whole school headlessly searching for lesson venues.
Half settled into hall, glad I'm on the same frequency as my rommie. The best thing in life now is that I have something to look forward to every week. At present moment I'm waiting patiently for next wed to come. Surprisingly the lesson I enjoy the most is french. hehe The rest sucks. I can't wait for sem 2 when I can start seeing chinese characters again. I'm so tired of chemistry and biology. Worst, biostat.

I was so afraid you would leave me. The feeling's weird and I'm terrified. For now, I feel peaceful. But the future is really unpredictable I should stop looking pass the present.
Kinda enjoy being alone now, I have someone always on my mind. And that's more than enough. To me, no amount of friends can replace a lifetime partner.

2010-07-04T09:17:00.000-07:00

it's only less than 12 hours
this is so suffering. every week we have to endure this.
i miss you :(

i have a few questions since i got attached. they're on and off, whenever i discover sth new.
but i hope i never have to find the answers myself.
i wonder how it feels like to kiss one lip now and another pair of lips say, nxt year?
i wonder how it feels like to hold hands, date and do similar things with current partner as with the ex.
where are all the memories ?
does true love exist between all the couple of partners or only the last ?
but anyway, these questions only linger for a few moments of thought cos they're just my curiosity. and i know i will never find my own answers :)

real trust is believing in what you cant believe.
though literally it may not hold much meaning but i can closely associate myself with this.
caught this phrase while watching a show
it gave me all the enlightenment i needed, sth i had to convince myself to do.
but everything's so simple now :)

baby got his itouch. damn im envious :/ lol

2010-06-28T10:48:00.001-07:00

i tried. im trying very hard to not feel this way.
but this sucks sucks sucks helll. the more i tell myself not to put it at heart the more pissed i feel. the more i feel like scolding ppl, the more i feel like taking a knife and stab myself.
i hate this heart hate this body. it's making me feel terrible.
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
i've experienced the most number of having high hopes and big disappointments eventually in my life this year.
anticipation is what kept me going. we can only count one day each week we can really spend well tgt. we never feel good on sundays we both know.
forget it if it's only a normal weekend, but why must it happen on this special day for me !
WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHY
i feel sooooo hard to just let it go, cos never in my life can i chase this back. i dunno. i feel so childish. but i could care no more. i've been looking forward to this day since few months back. im so excited to prepare for the coming weekend. i've got all the plans in my mind. now what. everything shattered. there's no way can this be make up for. it's so significant initially, at least to me. now it's significantly miserable.
i wna cry badly. lost your soul, now i understand what that means. i sit around at home everyday, yet im terribly exhausted.
we have no choice now but the least we can do is to not get punishments. and it happened within just a month... the promise, i cant expect anything more from it. i relied too much on the promise.
yes im fragile. i allowed myself to

2010-06-16T08:36:00.000-07:00

i'll be a happy girl this weekend ! yay
one more day.. im so excited !
i cant wait to see baby. i cant wait to let him see me ^^
im at his house officially. great chat with his parents :)
it feels nice, to belong to two places, and have two groups of family
though you may never see this, i truly wna say thankyou baby, for entering my life, for chasing away my loneliness, for bringing me love, for giving me a new family, and for making me whole.

2010-06-14T22:33:00.000-07:00

realise i havent been blogging for a few days
getting used to this and counting down 2 days !!!
but these 2 days seem so far still.. ):

sick at home today, alone.
i hope i can tahan
it's the first time im alone at home since baby's gone

2010-06-11T07:43:00.001-07:00

my whole day was wasted on training zzz
i thought 11 surveys per day is easy
after doing tonight i realised it's not an easy quota to meet

imagine doing the same physical trainings everyday whole day
i feel so bad for baby :(
i think more or less im getting used to missing him
im no longer crying badly when i miss him badly
he just lingers in my mind all the time, whenever, wherever
it's not easy for him, life in camp has become too mundane
and i shouldnt be adding any more burden if i cant share

2010-06-09T05:46:00.000-07:00

it's nice to meet up with frens these days. but time alone is inevitable still.
im not gd at words but im truly grateful for the company that all my frens gave these few days.
it did a great help.
im still trying to get use to life like this. i still cant stay alone somewhere. i dare not touch dota or be alone at ur house. but at least i can hold back my tears now.
i miss baby terribly today. dont know why. for every moment, be it when im eating or talking to people or whatever i do, i kept thinking of baby.
i still have to tahan more than a week. well at least i got a job, but i can only stay home and do. ahh my tian ! :(

2010-06-07T22:29:00.000-07:00

i improved i guess. i didnt cry yest except when talking to baby
i swallowed my tears. but it's really suffocating to miss him badly

baby called 3 times in the morning today
though it's only a few sentences, im happy
i thought i will be okay today.. but im starting to feel lonely, and miss him.
i tried to call, tried to chat, no one's there for me
well since i can get over it yest so can i today
and msn just died on me i cant even chat online !
wth gosh

baby you handled this well. you handled me well.
and in the process, i realise you have given me the security and assurance that i needed
well i said i sense you've changed
but perhaps not. it's just another side of you, whom i know i can definitely depend on no matter wat

2010-06-06T06:37:00.000-07:00

this is my third post of the day, probably the most number of times i've ever updated in a day.
i've told myself not to trouble anyone on this anymore.
i find myself irritating, so let alone any other people.
no one understands, mayb not even baby. and all anyone can say is be strong, dont cry, take it easy, it's nth...
i have to endure this myself

and today you said our calls are gna be very short, like 5 or 10mins today? and you cant promise me you'll be able to call, im very disappointed, but i cant let you know. you told me perhaps we can msg, nah.. that's even a worst news for me, cos it creates hope. and it has always ended up as false hopes..
that's it. hope. i have the hope that you might send a msg, or give me a call. i think nxt time i should maintain it as one week meet once, and calls and msgs happen once in a blue moon.
im very tired. your calls are my only strength and what i need to sleep. this sucks. with only a few mins of communication how am i suppose to past the night?

despite that im proud of myself today. i didnt cry in the phone. i held myself back.

i sensed that you've changed. and i feel so immature in front of you. perhaps we were always tgt and i've never seen you with ur frens, that's why i didnt see that side of you. but somehow, you're different, and im happy for you. so i'll care for myself, and dont worry abt me.
ur life now no longer circulates around only me, but mine still does. i have to share you with your other commitments. i cant help, cant help thinking that sth will be diff someday. this is a great and hardest test i've encountered.

2010-06-05T21:31:00.000-07:00

i feel like breaking down but i've promised i wont.
on and off i'll be washed by this feeling of loneliness and missing you.
i can only swallow down the words i miss you
be strong shldnt i. but when it's only a few hours i seem to be unable to hold on anymore

2010-06-05T20:05:00.000-07:00

i've cried till my eyes are swollen
im so tired now. i know i have to learn. the road's still long and it's just a small obstacle
seeing you happy and getting close with ur mates inside there give me strength.
it's time to keep things to myself, it's time to get strong
it's time to not let you worry anymore. it's time to be more independent.
sometimes i feel so silly and idiotic, seeing you are being strong and laughing around, while im crying and emoing alone.
perhaps it's nth of a big deal, but somehow it affects me greatly.

2010-06-04T02:38:00.000-07:00

im at starbucks with this blasting music downstairs.
i feel im engulfed by loneliness.
for some moments i felt scared.
as i see army boys booked out and going home, it makes me miss you more.
i wna be strong. but i need time to do it.
im missing you baby, when not even a day has passed.
who can i tell all these to
whose shoulder can i lie now :(
how am i suppose to face the dead silence at night all by myself?
im scared.
i can hardly force a smile now.

2010-05-22T13:33:00.001-07:00

im sorry, that i cant seem to live up to your expectations; that i seem to be failing in everything i do.
i wna be good for you. i wna be strong. i wna shed no tears, but i really cant help it.
im so freaking fragile now i hate myself. i just wish you had be more mindful.
sometimes i miss you soo much, even when you are just beside me. i dont know why.
why must the last week end like this. am i such a failure in my position.
will you one day, get tired of this, of me, of everything abt us. will you one day tell me to go home for good, for real. how am i gna face all these. i hate all these fears now. who on earth will help me fight the negative thoughts that break me down ! this heart wrenching pain is sucking away my life, my thoughts. as i live on in my cracked shell, who would one day notice my soul has gone empty and dead alive.

i miss myself, the one who bore no negative feelings, who lives happily basking in love, whose broken heart will be mend, whose smile is always there, who shed few tears, who stood strong in everything, who seemed to have unceasing stream of energy, and who does not make the people around her unhappy.

2010-05-12T00:02:00.000-07:00

just came back from malaysia this morning.
it's a wonderful trip. one of the best memories i have. we're gna make more baby :)
gd times are short though. 3 more weeks to go and im getting more and more fearful of the events coming up.

i didnt make it in the end. why why? why give me hope when the result is like this?
in the past i would've just accepted it. but now, You gave me hope and i gave it to others. You destroy it, i feel like a disappointment. and im so stupid. why did i even hold a little hope in the first place? i feel weird. i dont know if i shld be feeling happy, or sad, or hurt, or whatever else.
perhaps it's clear the path You've set for me, but im just feeling a tinge of pain to put an end to my dreams.

2010-05-07T08:02:00.000-07:00

i feel so silly(or idiotic) that i was waiting for some attention when all i got is my wishful thinking.
i don't want our relationship to run on habits, responsibility, promises etc. but well, perhaps that's what love is?
i thought im strong. but the fact, superficially yes. emotionally, i'm very weak. sometimes i just need someone to be there. it used to be God, a virtually real being, and i could sleep well with just the mere presence of Him. now, hard to admit, the first hug i need is from you. from our type of communication now, i need to open my mouth for it; to tell you that i need some care.
but the fact that i hate to admit and appear weak and troublesome in front of you makes me feel worst. and i'll start to feel the lack of passion in you. i don't doubt your love, i dont think i shld. however, sometimes i will wonder if the amount of oxygen you provide to keep the fire burning is the same as before? i thought you understand that i'll feel lonely at times and i need you. i cannot sleep properly without a call or leave happily without a kiss. i don't mind our jokes, but not at times like this, when i'm so fragile. these negative thoughts hit me real hard. im trying my best to fight back.

as i look at you sleep, i ask myself if this boy will be mine forever

2010-05-06T08:16:00.000-07:00

im growing more and more dependent and it's viscious
falling into the current situation deeper and deeper
im afraid i'll be trapped

actions are what fill promises, else they are empty
i shld know that no one will be there 24/7
but why must the unreachable time always be when i need you more

i finally realise what's missing- the passion you used to have
you're tired. sometimes i can sense it so strongly
keep the fire burning baby

2010-04-26T07:12:00.000-07:00

i had my scariest, most terrifying, horrifying and fearful dream last night, or to be precise, this morning, which left me crying for baby when i finally got to wake up. i thought i will never wake up; it feels like i'll leave earth and be in the dream forever after.
i was very, very sober and awake in my dream, and that is to say, it feels like reality, heavenly reality. in my past attempts to see clear faces in dreams, i never succeed. people's faces were blurred by very strong white light. but this morning, the faces, expressions and movements of the people i met were soo clear, even the surroundings and my consciousness.
first i appeared in some place with a white backdrop, with deep golden hair, primatively-clothed people walking past me and smiling at the same time. i dont know where i've gotten the idea but i was just reminded that i watched a movie or read somewhere that seeing this means you are gna leave earth for another place. for a moment, i felt fear. then the colour of the people started to fade and i appeared in a busy place, which i could not exactly recall where, perhaps an airport. all i could remember is people rushing around (buying tickets?) and i was unnoticed. i wna get attention, i wna know a way back, i wna wake up because i clearly know i was in my sleep. i rmb i screamed but i didnt hear a sound. i pinched myself hard many times, and there was only pressure on my arms. i closed my eyes and thought hard about waking up. then i appeared at another place which i didnt bother to look around and closed my eyes again. i tried many times to wake myself up. then i appeared at the home of some middle-westerners. they could see me, and even know what i was thinking. an old guy knew i wanted a way back and i looked at him. he opened and closed his palms tgt, like opening and closing a book. i was confused for a second then the idea of the bible came into my mind suddenly. i asked him, and he nodded yes. then i took the bible from his study room just beside, and he took it away from me, opened and rolled up a piece of paper, and "ask" me to say out the teachings of God. he didnt speak throughout, but somehow i could hear him speak in my mind. another guy was sitting beside me undergoing the same thing. i forgot what are the teachings i said. after which, somehow i knew he was preparing to "send me back". i asked the guy beside me if he is in the same situation as me but he said no, he belongs to there. the teary me told the old man how i would rectify the biggest mistake i thought i have made, and he smiled and nodded. before i could ask my next question, i was awake and i just broke down.
it's not what happened in the dream that is scary, it's horrifyingly real.

when i wake up, bb asked me what i was so afraid of. death? i paused and i said no.
yes im not afraid of death. but you realise there are so many things left undone if suddenly you realise you can never return. there are so many things which i wna accomplish or attempt. i just havent live my life fufilling enough for me to leave.

if not for emergency use i will never open my mouth to ask from you ok. i dont understand i really dont understand, even when im standing at your point of view. what is wrong with this ?! fine then if you wna do this. i thought i still have to answer to you out of respect. i dont wna spoil the relationship but you just wont take a step back in this. then fine. im no longer your daughter then.

2010-04-25T05:54:00.001-07:00

sometimes i feel so lost. it seems that i can never be the perfect someone you are looking for.
yet, i am pushing for it. at times i'll question myself, question us, question even the future. despite the uncertainty, i am never pessimistic. but the tears i shed during each unhappy moment, are for the negative things you said that put me down; that put our relationship down; that really have ripped me apart. i dont know how many times i've actually broke down, yet the feeling doesnt get numb. i hate doing that in front of you.
you give me strength, but you can suck it away too. even times like this i stay positive, because this is a gamble to me, and the chip is my life. i will never, ever want to take a second gamble. and i mean it. perhaps it's kind of irrational and rash to say that, the future lies unknown.
i dont know how to be perfect, and i cannot be perfect. i am still me, but we'll all change (or should i say stop protecting our perfect girl/boy image) when we get tgt longer and longer. you did change too. yea? i just thought it's another phase, a phase which requires compromise and understanding.
it's painful.

2010-04-23T22:54:00.000-07:00

i wish to put a hold on my thoughts for these few weeks. but when bb's dead sleeping and im faced with nth to do online, im forced to come clear with reality.
though we are not literally counting down to the number of days to d-day, it's apparent that in our hearts, we are unknowingly counting and clearly acknowledging the number of days left to come by. i hate to take another step forward despite knowing this test would come sooner or later. a little part of me withdraws

i know i can be strong in long dist relationship. well, at least i THINK i can. but after seeing a fren believing and failing in it, i start to have doubts. confidently, not in myself, but like i say, love is not only about feelings. it's hard to maintain a relationship without ample communication and common topics. that's when frequency becomes unmatched.
it's kinda too early to worry abt this. but there's a chance that we will face this situation. so pls, nus pls accept me !

2010-04-21T01:12:00.000-07:00

love (romance to be precise) is a form of luxury to me. the differences between cash and love is that the latter is an untangible form of wealth and in place of hardwork, feelings are devoted; the getback is (usually) proportionate.
it may be denigrating to make an analogy with money and love. To me, it's really a luxury "item" that i have stopped yearning for and i can do with or without it, just like peasants occassionally wish for wealth but eventually awaken to the reality that basic necessities is ample.
falling out of love is like declaring bankrupt. die, is a far word. you will just have to stop doing what you used to do and start having a new life cycle. some getting-used-to will pull you through, though falling out of love is much deeper than being bankrupt. in any way, you won't die without love (romance). it is definitely not a basic necessity. i once cried and thought of suicide if i lose love, but the next sec i laugh at myself for having this dumbest idea that occurs mostly in dramas.

i once believe that true love exists (many years ago). but now, i am uncertain. baby ask me why then would i be in this relationship. i have no answer too. i thought i simply just found someone i love and who reciprocates, and most imptly, he is willing and worthy to be part of my life. perhaps im finding a definite solution to my question mark. mayb true love does exist, but not everyone finds his. afterall, romance is not only love. it encompasses responsibility and habit. it's the habit of calling the same human as the parent of your child; the habit of seeing the same face when you wake up; the habit of calling the same person intimate names; you love your spouse and the habits with him/her; you love the chemistry and understanding that has developed through the years. afterall, who doesnt love his habitual behaviours?

i make mistakes, but who doesn't? i always makes mistakes, if the one apologising is always me. it takes two hands to clap. i believe this phrase is true for most of the things that happen around us.

2010-04-17T23:56:00.000-07:00

ee the letter finally came.
this kinda carefree life's gna end soon
sooner than we expected
:(
i just hope everything will be fine

2010-04-13T02:23:00.000-07:00

i miss you baby !
just suddenly wna exclaim this
we are growing older each day but i feel like we're behaving more and more like a child
i wonder if we can get use to the new phase in life after a few months

2010-04-09T07:49:00.000-07:00

long time no updates. life is so peaceful now after all the interviews and stuff (:
just have one more test to go.
and i'll leave the rest to God whom i really hope will make me a healer.

our big bed, cooking, a space of our own.. everything makes me feel like im married
._. i noe it's too early to say this but yea, it just feels this way.

twin meet up soon !

2010-03-30T01:46:00.000-07:00

i love the tears that roll down my cheeks
it's ok to cry
as long as it cleanses away ur sorrow

i've once told myself not to let my dearest cry again
but it happened
i've hurt him, and myself.
sometimes i can be such an insensible girl.

when im so protected i lose myself
i become a kid
dont ask me why i cry
it's not that i feel sad. it's.. like you suddenly hear the voice of the one on your mind.
it's the comfort that melts me.

2010-03-23T07:06:00.000-07:00

im so used to having sth to do and somebody to be around with that i feel kinda aimless being alone at home
like you just sit there and you really have no idea what to do nxt bcos you have to fix sth
when there's someone around it's natural to have sth to do
the least is, you still have a living object there for you to observe.

i dunno why am i writing this post cos it seems so pointless
but somehow my blog has evolved into "someone" whom i can pour my heart to 24/7
so now, im actually just finding sth to do

been kinda not myself lately. for quite some period of time.
my thoughts go haywire. i do things rashly. i lose my composure easily. sometimes i just tend to throw away every other consideration on a topic and go with what i initially think. im kinda crazy.
i blame it on my hormones but i know i cant shake the blame off myself too. i let my mind go wild. i just lose it sometimes.
it's been pretty hard on baby having to endure all these. but but. i really dunno why am i in such a mess. at least im getting better and i shld be fine after this week, i think/hope.

this is not boredom down here. it's.. directionless zzz
im down to digging out an old calendar and counting the number of days we got tgt
lol silly shit
i tot im suppose to mature lo? how come i feel like a part of me becoming more like a kid and another part of me growing older?

2010-03-18T06:50:00.001-07:00

ahhh
i did an incorrigible thing today
and i became so wishy-washy and sloggish recently
dunno what i want
blabbering illogical stuff
twisting here and there
dunno getting to where
and xb have to tolerate all these
which make me feel even worst
i just wna say sorry
it seems to be the only word that i can say with meaning now
but even sorry can make ppl feel wth
precisely i didnt ask for mood changes, im sorry it wasnt intentional or at least i can change it back.
i need to walk through this myself
will it be too much to ask for hugs though ?

it's only a day and i felt a bit hard to pass
XBXBXBXBXBXBXBXBXBXB....
i went to bed with all this filling my mind
and i woke up blissfully having received one of the best sms in my life

err i tot i shld grow up?

2010-03-17T15:51:00.000-07:00

im experiencing my worst pms ever
i dunno what has led to my mood swings and depression
i just feel so stucked up
im sorry baby i made you tolerate all these :
a very useful thing that can cheer me up is food
yet i have to avoid most stuffs
it's not whether i will eat them or not if i can
it's losing the freedom of being able to eat whatever i want :/
lol crap
well i have to obedient if i wna get better quickly

you always ask me to tell you wat happened to me.
but as parents, do you rmb any time since young when you didnt relate my discomforts to my own doings ?
wat the crap. so im gna let you noe that when i have the capability to settle it myself, i wont inform you anymore. dont tell me a shit abt caring for me.. all those remarks dont make me feel cared. you made me feel blamed instead. so if one lead a healthy life one wont get sick? then where did ur fever and flu come from ? you always complain that i dont have the heart to understand your concerns. well im so big alrdy. i noe what's gd and what's bad for my body. when im sick, i dont need you to pour cold water ok. i feel even more touched by ppl other than my own parents. why did it turn out this way? i appreciate you are my parents. sometimes i wish i was so cold-blooded then perhaps i wont feel so sucky. i dont wna feel regretful abt telling you what happened this time, but i guess there wont be a nxt time. im trying to be normal. we've spoken abt this for so many bloody times and we cant talk it through, then just forget abt it. what's the use of you keep harping and harping on it when it never gets into me. it just makes our relationship worst ok. dont tell me abt giving each other personal space or ur experiences, what if i dont live till the future? sorry but i cant help being pessimistic on this. you tot there's a possibility of me being endangered when i go out at night, then how come you dont consider the possibility of me meeting with an accident tmr? i hate ur questioning tone. and i admire that you can actually express ur so-called concerns by questioning me. i realli feel tired of giving in.

zzz i wanted to dedicate this post to baby but end up writing so much grumble
anyway i really feel very glad and sorry today. that when i made you a bit sian, instead of assuring you i still felt sian cos i really couldnt pick my mood up. i didnt hide any thoughts from you. seriously i dunno what happened to my mood oso. i feel much better after the cry. i felt so cared when you took the step back and came to me. mayb when i muttered ur name there's suction force lol
well xiao b it's been hard on you these few days. i shld be much better the nxt time you see me ba.
ITY :)

2010-03-17T01:41:00.000-07:00

i just pluck out my 2 wisdom teeth last night
damn.. wasnt painful but my face is swollen now
i dont wna see anyone :s
my worst nightmare is being unable to eat nice food !
it spoils my mood :(
hai
i lost my wisdom ):

2010-03-04T08:03:00.000-08:00

these feelings sucks. when you wna be the better, you become worse bcos you will feel worse, you will behave worse and the vicious cycle begins.

has the time for our own time come ?

2010-03-03T21:25:00.000-08:00

found a non-believer's character in me.
no good. it's time to find assurance in the Lord for my studies.
i remember how i used to heck abt results cos i know everything's in control with Him around.
i shld do the same now before i forget that feeling of security.

after all the small quarrels yes, i awaken to the fact that im troublesome, someone who cant even make decisions on where to go, what to eat, what movie to watch; someone who always says "anything la". initially i thought that was nothing of a big deal, cos im really fine with anything as long as im with the person i like to hang out with. but when it becomes a natural thing to do, it just shows i havent grown up. im just making ppl around me unbearable of my irritating habits.
i have, subconsciously, divided my life into after-As-before-taking-results period and after taking results, which is tomorrow. when bb ask me how much more time i need two days ago, i replied 4 days without thinking. i just wna be a child for 4 more days. perhaps things will not change much after tomorrow, but my mind will. i feel like im waving goodbye to the fantasy and in one day evolved into an adult. now i realise we never stop growing up and maturing, even at a very old age. it's time that i learn to make decisions.

perhas im no longer in God's plans. i suppose God doesnt plan for ppl to stray right ?
but im still hopeful. i still believe. even though i strayed, my belief is still there. my faith was true the time i prayed and took the exams.

2010-03-01T04:56:00.000-08:00

the childish days are numbering :(
it's time to grow up xm
how i wish i dont have to
it's scary to think age is catching at 20, what abt my 30s and 40s ? :S

very into dota recently :P
but but i will not get addicted to any game

hang on xm
no matter what happens
life will find its way out

no idea why suddenly my mind wonders off to the time when i was playing my clarinet
i miss it. i miss playing the clarinet.
may perhaps not entirely the instrument, but the memories i had holding it in my hands
it was when i really felt a non living article can have feelings too

i just realised this post is very random.

2010-02-22T07:20:00.000-08:00

i had a dream today. and i was washed with the exact sorrow in my dream when i woke up.
it was like.. wooow.

when i start to look and read the past, i wish i could go back.
not as first person, but as an audience of my own story and that of the ppl i cared.
it's just a very strange feeling. when i've grown up and look back at the childish or perhaps, innocent acts, i find them stupid yet im envious of that 'me'. now i understand this is growing up. when im constantly reminded now that when these few heavenly months end, there's no chance for me to get crazy or be childish anymore. i have to move on to uni, and then enter the society, and be an adult. so fast. just one more year.

i suddenly have a new perception on love. love is about understanding your partner. still i believe that there's no one who actually understand you totally, including yourself. i think love is not only about giving your heart. while giving, love creates a new character, a combination of two partners that is developed in the couple. so you dont have to understand each other entirely; just live with the new character.

my pillars of strength. i hope i can be your pillar of strength too.
twin im meeting you tmr ! :)
feel like we've aged a lot since we last met.
we may not say much but ur company is more than words

2010-02-18T06:28:00.000-08:00

had my sleeping marathon today :D
didnt count the number of hours i slept. it's easier to count the hours i was awake
despite that.. i still feel that i lack sleep -_-

i looked through the old fotos in my comp today. and i just spent an hour randomly reading my old blog posts.
things just changed so much. some incidents i rmb, some forgotten. nevertheless, they remain as part of my memories. from when i just entered rv, into 1i, into band, into clarinet section, to moving into 2i, 3e, 4e, from being junior to being a senior; from slacking daily after sch to mugging at cartel with twin for Os. then after 4yrs in rv i entered njc. despite the hell-like life, there were still memories to behold. pae with s09, mini concert with band, events with PA, jae with s03, being a ponner, determined to study but end up crapping during countless free periods. from lagging behind during pae, owning assignments, to striving during promos. then bb entered my life, and my heart changed.
many ppl entered my life. but only a few stayed.
i wouldnt have thought the section mate who never were in the same subsection as me would be my best fren now. i forgot how we got close. lol i forgot how we first spoke. i just rmb our taiwan trip, our frequent visits to marina square and cartel, our shopping trips. i hope we can create more and more memories tgt (:
i dont have many frens, let alone frens whom i can give my heart. twin you've taught me a lot of things and though we've only know each other in sec sch, i felt we've seen each other grow up. after so many ups and downs, i can say you are one of my pillars. you are the only one whom i can turn to when i have probs. i can be myself in front of you cos you know who i am. thankyou for being there no matter how late it was. thankyou for being xm's fren

bb we've known each other for few years alrdy. from the day i know you i would never have expected us to get tgt. like never think of it at all. i expected you to be after good looking girls. even when we werent very close, you cared and were sensitive to my depressed mood. after a very long time when we met, i see you as a very good fren. i tot i was dreaming when you pop the question. you made my heart feel at ease and i've never felt so comfortable with anyone b4. that's what drove me to you. im so glad i let you feel as if you are in love for the first time. you made me discover a different part of life. each time you hold my hand, my heart will thump fast. i feel so proud to have the unique you.
im sorry i've hurt you. you've taught me many things in a relationship. i truly hope wat i've learnt will benefit us. i noe i lack some brains in certain things. im also not the romantic person who can always make you feel touched. whatever it is, the three words that i say every night, i mean it each time.

2010-02-17T06:08:00.000-08:00

hasnt gone online for aeons
so many many things happened over the week
im sure it's not a mistake to hold on bb
i am learning. i will.
hectic week.
of course, good things happened too (:
this is an unforgettable new year
an official stayover we had :DD
i will try to change my attitude towards my parents k.
i guess this is the only moment in my life that i dont have any commitment to allow myself to enjoy as much as i can. i wont waste it on work.
we gna stick tgt for as long as we can

twin meet up soon !

2010-02-05T10:16:00.000-08:00

getting loss of memory now again
didnt have vivd recollections of only a few days ago.
yay finally the first week of work ended
ok crapping kept things fun
other than that, staring at the stacks of beer was zzz
almost all who went past are couples
and i'll start to miss xiao b :
went out at 7 today ! earliest i've ever left for bb's house
and i've got wat i want ^^ but i felt it was not enough cos we spent the whole day sleeping ._.
i wasnt tired. but the cry last night totally drained my energy
i dunno. watever reason it is. i just HATE HATE HATE quarrelling.
i fell asleep at on train and nearly missed the punggol and outram stop
my reaction was so retarded today
and by the time i reached work all stock was wiped out ._.
then icecool had roadshow and it irritates me cos the blasting music is disturbing
and once in a while this god of fortune will come and keep hohoho and huala huala and stuff ppl red pkts...
dunno wat he's huala-ing for

i wna look forward to sth. but really, im very afraid to face any disappointment

2010-02-03T06:30:00.001-08:00

yoohoo waiting for every day to end and cny to come !! :)
am starting to enjoy work since i've started to know the ppl there
i wna go out !

2010-01-29T18:39:00.000-08:00

my mood is getting better but still has its ups and downs.
i hope it'll get better.

i cant wait for new year to end bcos i look forward to any possible changes.
like you said, it's sucky to have you working urs and i working mine..
days are passing damn slowly now.. from when i left for hk till now, the one time we met was like being in a dream; the kind when you cant see anybody's face clearly.

i dislike anticipating cos it brings greater disappointment. but only anticipation brings hope.

2010-01-26T19:33:00.000-08:00

i found a job. i kinda regretted it even when i havent start
but i was too kind to help a desperate agent :P
anyway hope the best will come out of it.
getting a job is no gd. cos i'll think i have mooney to spare.. lol

bb's so sweet. i feel kinda bad getting a bit screwed with him working. i mean it happened realli too sudden for me to react rationally.
mayb it's gd this way too. each week i have a day to look forward to; each day i have a moment to anticipate :)

2010-01-25T19:59:00.000-08:00

so bored with finding a job
hai
im stucked at home not doing anything again..
cried twice yest
feel weak and tired.
it's ironic when i need the hug yet i dont want bb to see me in this state.
i need to keep myself busy

2010-01-24T04:38:00.000-08:00

i need, i want and i had a gd cry.
im tired.
i just need a hug. badly

no amt of toy bears can replace you

where are you
just when i needed you most.

in conclusion, xm is going through hormonal changes. gosh. i feel like im moving into early menopause ._.

2010-01-23T21:01:00.000-08:00

im feeling damn screwed up !!!
argh i need a place to vent this
bb i hope you'll be fine soon. i realli realli realli hope so.
even when i try to convince myself to let this be a test for us, i still can help hoping i dont have to do that
i tried to force myself to sleep. i woke up at 12+ today. sooo late
sian damn sian
im hoping mon would come faster so that all the recruitment centres are operating

i feel like a weak soul stucked in a bottle trying to break through the narrow neck

2010-01-23T09:56:00.000-08:00

my stomach is bad at digesting what it consumes and so is my brain.
i just hope things will be fine. i need to find my confidence in a relationship.
i'll try. i feel screwed up. it feels like everything's stuck on me when i desperately want to shake them off

2010-01-21T05:53:00.001-08:00

just reached hotel
shopped the whole day heh
but hk stuff are more ex than singapore lo..
didnt really buy much things.
on one hand, i wish to be back in singapore asap
on the other hand, i dont want this holiday to end
im kinda tired now so i guess im starting to get emo lol
i feel very vexed recently
probs with parents; many ppl working, ppl come asking me if im working
make working more like an obligation than a responsibility to me..
even bb started to work.
things come too suddenly recently. feel as if there are many changes for me to adapt to after i return to singapore
suddenly i see mani ppl getting jobs. suddenly bb started working. no time for me to prepare mentally that we'll start to meet less, mayb once a week only? no time for me to get use to phone calls getting shorter. perhaps it's only me thinking too much. hopefully it is.
but anyhow, i just feel as if im gna enter a different phase in my life, a transit or whatever.
ok that's my weak self.
another part of me wants to work endlessly. dont wna be dependent on anyone and of course, to keep myself busy when everyone's busy too..

2010-01-20T18:58:00.000-08:00

last day in hongkong heh
off to shopping alrdy. so sian i wna go home... seriously ):
went to marriage registry and ave of stars yest. saw mani old couples holding hands and newly weds taking fotos.
the sea and night view is so magnificent and of course.. romantic
miss bb ):
disneyland tmr !
that's the onli day im looking forward to in my six days here zzz

2010-01-17T13:56:00.001-08:00

using comp at airport and waiting to board the plane now
hk macau im coming
im starting to miss bb alrdy
but i'll try my best to enjoy myself there
twin i'll buy ur bag hehe

2010-01-17T05:58:00.000-08:00

damn fed up.. zzz
i dont owe u a living ok. so what if you are my parents. i respect u, u respect me pls. if u think i owe you, pls kill me then. i didnt ask to be born. i dont wish to be born if i have to listen to whatever u say. dont force me to do what you cant do. why must you always spoil my day? pls dont push me to my limit. it will do none of us good. im 20 for godness sake. i may be still a child to you, so what? to me i noe what im doing. how mani mani mani times must i repeat this ?! im so freaking tired living and talking to you. you brought me up doesnt mean i owe you forever. this is not abt manners and education. i noe wat is respsect, i show respect to those who deserve. i've tried my best to endure but you are crossing the line. you claim you give me freedom. no. freedom is not letting me go out or listening to me. freedom is letting me have my rights to decide what i want. come on. this is my life. MY LIFE. you want me to walk the "right" path you've decided for me pls then ask God to give you another life. and not manipulate mine. i dont want a life with experiences from you. i want a life of my own experience, even if it means having regrets. damn
i've tried my best not to make things worst. idk. this may be some rebellious teenager venting her unhappiness with her parents but i dont care. who did not go through this stage? you shld be prepared. mayb in the future i may be proven wrong. but who cares when it's right now?

i think i've been mean this afternoon. things happened and kinda lose my trust in love. i cant 100% place my trust on someone. and i told bb. i feel so bad.
but somehow, when i heard an uncle brag abt his kids.. and mentioned that his son and gf had been tgt since sec sch, i was suddenly reminded that there are lasting relationships. and since i have trust in bb and myself, why cant i trust our love? i wish bb could follow the twists and turns in my heart. but it's had to describe. now i just want him to noe that i have confidence in our relationship, our feelings and i trust him.

2010-01-15T06:16:00.000-08:00

eeyeer im waiting for bb's reply. i feel so...
idk. mixed feelings. it's ironic. i worry and i noe it's irrational, yet i still hope those guys receive their lesson. i noe in no way am i gna stop bb so i just hope he'll be fine like what he has said. he wont let it off; it's man's stuff.
actually a large part of me wish i could be there to witness how those ppl kna whacked.

2010-01-14T11:48:00.000-08:00

it may be a mistake to read those stuffs but i read it the same. i used to be curious abt the past, but now i understand the more i noe, the worse i feel.
trust is what i fully give to ppl close to me. mayb it's not too late for me to hold back my trust for anyone. i believe the only person who has never lied to me is God-the only person who can give and keep His promises. i admit that the only person i've never told any lie to is also Him.
i guess at a point of time in our lives, we've all lied before, even to our closed ones.
perhaps only a white lie, but even our closest kin or dearest frens have lied to us. but if everything were clean and clear, life would lose its meaning.
certain lies i cannot close an eye, but compromise has to come in. it would be even more dumb for me to disclose them. things happen which make me fear even more. ok i should replace 'fear' with 'contemplate'. it makes me probe into our relationship. it brings me deeper. it leads me to think. it directs me from just stopping at the superficial surface of our relationship. it gives me the tendency to do all that. i hope im realli thinking too much. i convince myself not to think. on the positive side, it makes me cherish the present even more.
mayb im not stupid actually. i just choose to be not so clever, when im not in the 'fight' mode around ppl i trust entirely.
but today, i dont wna trust anymore

2010-01-14T07:48:00.000-08:00

things may actually be going the same but it feels different. i try to keep the tradition but it makes me feel sticky..
i dont trust love. i dont trust forever. bcos ppl speak of 'love you forever' with almost every single person they are with then how many forever partners do you wna spend ur life with ? if one was serious with every single one of his ex then how many pieces did one divide his heart and give away? i dunno. perhaps it is my first time being in a relationship, the question of how to fall out of a deep love and fall again in love with another person ponders me.
'forever' is a promise and promises are meant to be broken. we, or rather i think we, do not have the capacity to make a promise bcos we cant answer for it. we have no way to pay for a broken promise.
i dont wna think abt what it may be like in the future. i just need your 101% now; this hour, this minute, this second. and that's more than i can ever ask for.

2010-01-11T02:39:00.000-08:00

yea i guess the honeymoon period is realli over.
true enough. 男女在恋爱时都寻求新鲜感，而新鲜感随着在一起的时间逐渐减少的其中一个原因，是因为相处的时间越久，对方缺点曝露的越多，直到感情出现危机。
one must not lose oneself to love. i guess im not only losing myself in love, but also to life.
you start with seeing only the best side of ur mate, then you handle the negative characters with 100% tolerance. nxt you proceed with 90% tolerance, 10% of ur intolerance is shown. when time goes on, you either get used to it or your intolerance increases with decreasing tolerance level. and when the latter happens, gg.
i want us to be in honeymoon all the time. but i guess that's impossible. i'll only start to lose myself more. i feel so confused now. confused abt love (what can i still do? im trying so hard. but i guess im just a dumbass that understand nuts abt love, communication and compromise); confused abt life. what exactly do i want? im living life now as if i've got eternal life to waste. it's time to start thinking, but from where? i need a lifeguide. i have no capability to be my own, though i noe i shld. thinking back, all these seem like a dejavu, other than that the probs im facing now are different. but the feeling of being lost is the same as years ago b4 i noe God. this few years, i used to seek God whenever i need a direction. God is the strength that holds me on. but changes in my life make me ashamed to stand b4 God and ask Him for forgiveness when i continue to do things that are against His teachings. and i chose those changes. i always tot i did not choose b/w God and the life against Him. i finally understand now that the act of living on with this life is alrdy making a choice. whatever it is, i refuse to remove the cross necklace. i noe that in my heart, i will always know Him as my guard. i sense very strongly now that it's time, there's a need to seek God.
i've been making ppl unhappy recently. and im afraid it's starting to become more frequent. im trying hard realli.. to make things go smooth but i felt so helpless sometimes. i noe being quiet and let things pass it shld be fine. there's realli no room for me to feel unhappy. but it's all right. i can swallow. the point is, what happens if one day ppl cant tolerate with me anymore? im so afraid it comes a day when i need to give in no more.
it's true that once you have sth, you're afraid to lose it. i tot im a strong lover. but my lack of confidence beats everything. i used to think that i can brace loss in my stride. but that happens only if it wasnt myself who cause my own loss. i can be confident to say i can be ur gd fren. but i doubt i can be a gd gf. i think too much. im too stupid at this.
each time when i hear u say you've got nth to say, you got no mood to crap, you dunno wat to say or sometimes you realli dunno wat i want or dont understand me, it's like passing me a death sentence. the silence between us can make me suffocate, literally. it did happen.
you always tell me not to cry. crying makes me weak, but it's the best way i can express myself, sad to say. it's the simplest way of showing how bad and helpless i feel. i cry because im afraid that it's the last time you are able to tolerate me. you once told me breaking up is not abt losing feeling but abt being able to tolerate no more. i feel there's so much of me to tolerate..

the above post is abt how i feel in my emo state. lol
well..
i miss you twin lol
even our meeting was short but still enjoyable (:

2010-01-02T20:23:00.000-08:00

yo im back from desaru.

a very different trip from the past. perhaps more mature now to truly savour nature and its wonders.

the beach, the wind, the river, the fireflies, the animals, the plants..

short yet fufilling trip

recently i've started to write diary. wna jot down in details the things that happen and feelings.

i dunno how long i can persevere haha but well it feels gd to read your own past

I SO WNA BRING THIS HOME !

2009-12-31T05:22:00.000-08:00

last day of 2009. going malaysia tmr.
and im staying at home again for countdown lol
kinda allergic to too many ppl soo countdown parties are not for me..

sth happened yest. though i cant pen down what has happened here i just wna leave a note
cos it's really one time i felt my heart being teared apart when i see my loved one being hurt
and the strongest urge to rush over and hug him in an attempt to protect him even though i might not be of much help
yest i understood what it feels like to be strong and determined when sth realli happens
there's no time and no thought to be afraid
at that moment.. i just noe i dont wna leave and i cant bring myself to leave him alone when he chased me away.
when i see wat has been done i just feel like hugging him so tight till he couldnt breathe
thanks twin for helping me get through my mum (: i cant leave him alone at home.
i noe im weak in strength and there's nth much i can do, but in my heart im not gna let off those who hurt my love

2009-12-27T05:29:00.000-08:00

back from stayover =(
spent my christmas at town
ohman it's damn packed till we cant even move
got a little sian when there're so mani ppl
both of us had a bit of attitude and.. we talked some things out
i dont dare to think abt wat will happen whenever things get wrong
there's a reason why i cry everytime things dont go smoothly
but i guess i've learnt sth new after going through each obstacle :)

2009-12-22T05:46:00.000-08:00

yay christmas is nearing ! ohman it's finally coming :DD
bought a new lappie last weekend. it was fast and straightforward.
headed right to fujitsu booth in the convention hall and decided on one
lol
after which then we proceeded to walk the rest of the fair heh
got a mouse for baby (:
it's realli hard to find a suitable present
i received a bear <3
used to be against frens from giving me soft toys as presents cos i find it impractical.
im not the girly type who likes soft toys.
but it's different when it comes from baby. the soft toys may be his substitution when im not used to be alone in bed.
spent the whole day at home watching movie online lol
rambo sequel. very nice.
im off to maple grabbing money looo 8)

2009-12-18T05:21:00.000-08:00

all i can say is im so disappointed. with myself.

2009-12-14T08:04:00.001-08:00

when the lousy feeling invades, the night becomes lonely.

i dont want to tear but swallowing tears is no easy feat.
it's dangerous to indulge cos i nearly forgot the lousy feeling.
and i'll lose the habit of cultivating the habit of thinking thrice b4 i say anything

im not afraid to lose anything. im afraid when i've lost
i lack the self-confidence, the confidence to be a gd gf. i doubt im even halfway there
all i hope is for you to know, im trying my best and i wish you understand that sometimes what i said is really 无心but i noe it's not enough to warrant me unguilty.
im such a trouble sometimes

2009-12-12T12:20:00.001-08:00

im back from another stayover
420am and im not preparing to sleep.
the night's long but im not lonely cos someone's on my mind
i feel i've fallen in love with baby again, in a different way this time
i dont believe in forever. you cant predict anything, especially when love is beyond individual control.
i used to wonder how i would feel if there was a break up
i tot i could take it in my stride and make it clean
but my answer's different now
i doubt i can do it so handsomely
rather, i dont have an answer now bcos i fear the thought of it.
things are smooth-sailing and i wonder if i shld remind myself not to indulge and become addicted to this "happiness"
not that i dont believe in him or myself. forever is some kinda extreme which i'll shun using
i once dislike becoming too dependent and i'll try to avoid that.
perhaps im not losing my independence. instead, i might actually be just entrusting part of me to someone whom i'd like to share

2009-12-06T07:26:00.000-08:00

im back from stayover :
but there's another one coming up heh
had movie marathon, daily supper..
i got drunk. gosh it sucks totally man.
not very very drunk but i vomitted once and i was very giddy.
well at least i made it home. terrible. made me kinda scared of liquor and oysters for a few days.
i used to like drinking but for now, im neutral..

im getting worried for you twin. i hope ur prob can be solved
come out soon eh !

things happen, which awaken me to the fact that im no different from the ppl whom i tagged as "happy" for most of the time and thus, think less.
maturity is a heavy word, and it's the word which i think i've always misunderstood. independence is another word which now i think i've defined it wrongly.
nah, we're not genetically identical but paradoxically,we are born of the same social callus which may make us susceptible to the same effects.
i feel im getting dumber by the day, or perhaps im just ____(stubborn) enough to be convinced only by now that im naive.
i really am i guess. too naive to survive in this society, barely naive enough to live my own lala land. i dont know. mayb i just wish things would go simple. i dont understand why ppl complicate matters. i dont understand the need for twists and turns. i dont like to make guesses or inferences. i like being straightforward and simple. dont tell me "you are suppose to know". cut the crap and tell me what you want me to know.
no. things dont get that simple in reality. i realise as what i want, i become simple but life's not only abt i, me or myself. and then i end up being the simple-minded (aka naive) one..
i dunno how to continue

2009-12-02T03:53:00.000-08:00

ahh hello twin haha
since you've dedicated an exclusive post for me i shall reciprocate (:
i oso think you are a god-sent twin for me (:
i hope you will be happy too. i'll definitely help you convince ur mum k. dont worry abt fri
both of us receive everlasting happiness :D
heh anyway once a twin forever a twin :)
see you soon man. we still got lots to do 8D

2009-11-30T06:43:00.000-08:00

celebrated wang da ma's bdae with 4e peeps.
it really feels nice to meet them again and their craps haha
you noe they are the ones who are at the same freq as you
it's all 2years of classmates.
but the 2years with s03 ends on the day of graduation

watched new moon ^^
quite nice. everyday's such a happy day with baby (:
i have no habit of pening down wat happened daily cos i know today will always be better than yesterday
and for all i care, i will rmb wat happened (:
heh
gna stay at home and mug my bio p1
i cant wait for thurs !!
my 4days of chalet at a non-chalet place 8D

2009-11-24T20:43:00.000-08:00

had fun yest with twin <3 (:
i doubt we can one day stop being so random lol
it's been so long since i've slept without waking up for the whole night !

i hope she is fine. i hope you are fine. i hope ur family is fine.

Amen

2009-11-23T17:52:00.000-08:00

when i wna explain myself (but certain things cant be expressed)
when i wna let you know i will try to be careful nxt time
when i wna let you know it wont happen again
these words dont come out bcos i realised i've said those b4
and those words are meaningless
i shld just learn to be more sensitive and think first
which i have no idea how to make it known that i will
bcos i've repeated those too, but i realli meant it
i suddenly want to hug. feel the "missing"feeling so acutely now
i can onli keep myself occupied with programmes.
this aint nice

2009-11-19T04:32:00.000-08:00

ee the price to pay for seeing a meteor is legs with dozens of mosquito bites ._.
ohman itchy !! dammm
but compared to someone who wore jeans and perspired like he just showered, i rather wear shorts :D

2009-11-18T03:42:00.001-08:00

xm went to watch leonid meteor shower yest ! or rather 5am this morning
thanks baby. it was a blissful 2 days (:
reached jap garden arnd 10pm. makan and went to some hideous place to drink :D
the constellations were amazingly intriguing and of course, pretty when in the absence of dark clouds
the stars realli formed a seemingly 3D shape
the process of waiting was omgly painful. waited till 5am, supposingly the peak of the "shower"
they shld call it meteor droplets la ._. soo few
it was all worthwhile though
i tot i was unlucky to miss the meteors when ppl saw them
but i guess i was the only one who spotted one meteor which literally fell across the sky.
it was small and not as brightly lit. however it showed the greatest strength to exist for such a long time. watched it fall.
such a unique moment when only the both of us among the masses were following the trail of one extraordinary meteor :)

back to mugging tmr zzz
5 more days to 95% liberation. bio paper 3. the final core paper
xm can endure

2009-11-12T01:48:00.000-08:00

as i sing the lyrics You are faithful, guilt and shame wash over me
Lord thankyou for staying faithful throughout this exam
for watever the results are i believe they are all in your hands

yay down to the last day of the first week
i am so hyper happy ! cos the papers are ending lalala

2009-11-09T06:12:00.000-08:00

God wants you to know ... that all is well.
What could you not accept, if you but knew that everything that happens, all events, past, present, and to come, are gently planned by One Whose only purpose is your good?

this is a timely message i guess.
all's gna be well under God's control
i shall face this with a peaceful heart

2009-11-06T16:49:00.000-08:00

God wants you to know ... that pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.
Pain is the reaction of the body, and as long as you have the body, some pain is inevitable. Suffering is the contraction of the mind, and unlike pain, is optional. Don't add suffering to pain, - relax your mind and the suffering will pass.

2009-11-06T05:32:00.000-08:00

teehee
my monkey made a surprise appearance this morning 8)
im so touched. and i didnt want to let go of that hug..
last 3days left for the start of the battle.
im still unsure. im still not confident.
but i noe in this storm, God will be with me.
and it will be over soon
i cant wait !
cant wait to hang out everyday
cant wait for movies, cant wait for drinks, cant wait to work, cant wait for a vacation, cant wait for the inter-college-intra-clique grad day date lol

2009-11-05T03:35:00.000-08:00

when you're at ur weakest God is the strongest.
may God use me to reveal His powerful works in my life.
i've drifted far, but i know it's not gna be hard to turn back.
for even the impossible may be done through Him.

have no idea why recently there's some kinda intriguing feeling in me.
i dont know if it's the right word to use
i've started to truly appreciate things around me.
not that i've neva cherish those but im so easily warmed recently lol
yes all the little things that ppl arnd me does. im so grateful
my father cooks what i like for dinner for me often; knows i eat walnuts and rmb to replenish the stock at home etc
it may mean nth much but i feel so warm after eating
yang yang came out to study with me. spur me on.
and the words of encouragement on fb from frens. im touched by ur concerns (:
4 days without seeing baby.. and more to come. i feel so silly each time i smile to myself after reading his msg. i miss him
and wat he called me today. i suddenly feel loved.
there's nth more in life that's more impt than having ppl arnd who care

2009-11-04T01:26:00.000-08:00

err it's back to the prelim mood again
the long edurance
at least prelims' 22 days..
'A's.. i didnt dare to count and when i did.. it's 5 weeks inclusive of this
tday i broke down again. i hate to be stuck in a situation where i have absolutely no freedom to choose at all
the worst is.. things are so draggy they're draining me
i dont think i'll be happy on 3rd dec.
i imagine myself to hear "you're dismissed" and knock down the moment i stood up from my seat
my last breath would be, "im finally done."
im done with forcing myself to do sth within my responsibility that's against my will.
i suck at stress management. i guess
i'll try my best. im sorry i made the ppl around me worry, sorry for being so weak.
xm will pull herself up. there's no time for grudges now.

2009-11-02T06:06:00.000-08:00

it's down to the lat 100m. but i dont feel like chiong-ing
i got no drive to.
slacking and procrastinating is a viscious cycle.

of course, those calls kept me on (:
yea since i've sacrifice my time with baby i shld make gd use of it.